AND IT BEGINS: INDIA—BHUTAN—THE DALAI LAMA—14-DAY SILENT VIPASSANA MEDITATION RETREAT

September 17th, 2018

Awaiting to board my next flight to New Delhi, India, alone and suddenly moneyless from losing my wallet on my first flight to London, I have chosen to ignore the frantic voices of others doubting I should continue.

For reasons which go deeper than I even know, I can only listen to one thing: the overwhelming learned surrender that lies deep within my heart. That, and it’s okay to be gravely uncomfortable, as there’s always a valuable lesson to be learned. To me, that’s what life’s all about: spiritually evolving from the never-ending plethora of life’s many lessons.

I’ll back up a bit. Three months ago, I attended a Mindfulness Wellness Retreat with my husband Luc, and that’s when it hit me—I was not well. Since my accident, I had lost my sense of adventure, my vigor, and my passion for life. I had been diagnosed with double PTSD (a story for another time) and dealing with decades of injuries to my brain. Not even those closest to me have known the depth of what has been going on inside of me—mostly because I ignore it in my own brain. Maybe in fear I’d succumb to the story. 

I have been in recovery since April of 2015, and although I have appeared on the outside to be fine, simply leaving my home alone has been one traumatic adventure after another. It’s as though the majority of cells occupying my body are screaming at my mind, turn around—something horrific is going to happen as soon as you walk out the front door. But then, there’s this…I’ve worked extremely hard on my path of mastering letting go of any destructive thought that may creep into my mind, so, I refuse to listen. 

But I feel it. 

Seventy-five-trillion cells out of one-hundred seized by fear, transmitting to one another, trying to make their way to my head. Cells that have sucked up and held onto one recent traumatic incident, only to awaken old trauma that has laid dormant within other cells—and my brain cells, which I’ve greatly nourished, aren’t even aware the old trauma still exists. 

Have I lost you? I can lose myself in all of this.

In truth, whatever’s going on inside of me can make walking a short block alone feel like I’m in a really good horror flick—the kind you have to close your eyes and cover your ears for. I even made, first, my Lola—which didn’t 100% work out, then, Nikki, into service dogs—just so I can leave the house solely. Me: the one who, at times, dangerously didn’t feel fear. The one who walked over 650 miles from France, across northern Spain, alone (I love saying that because I’ve had a hard time believing it myself), walking through my fears like Khaleesi in Game of Thrones—without dragons, or dogs. 

All I know, is it’s a terrible feeling. 

I can’t imagine where I’d be if I allowed even one destructive thought in. 

So, it was during that Wellness retreat with Luc that I came to the realization I needed to “save” myself. And I knew I couldn’t do that depending on him, my dogs, or anyone else. 

I had to leave. 

And somewhere far, far away. 

All I could feel was this strange sense of urgency exploding inside of me, longing to experience something different; something truly life-changing—and way more challenging than walking out my front door. Hence (using the insurance money I received from my accident), I chose Bhutan, India, the Dalai Lama, and a 14-day SILENT vipassana meditation retreat in the Pyrenees mountains of Austria. Three places on my bucket list, one person who I greatly admire, and something that seems impossible to do. 

The perfect gift to myself: exploring other cultures, religions and my own spirituality, whilst fighting the unwanted fear that has taken over my body.

Away from the life I’m so comfortably tethered to. 

Away from the home I’ve been bound to.

So, here I am, just twelve hours away from stepping off the plane in New Delhi, forty-eight hours away from exploring the rural mountains of Bhutan, three weeks away from attending teachings in the Himalayas by his Holiness the Dalai Lama, and one month away from beginning an intense fourteen-day silent vipassana retreat—AND…I’VE LOST MY WALLET. 

To be continued…. :)